15) Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall…

“We need a mirror put up,” you say.

“Ok,” your husband says… but with everything going on… that task has never made it off the back burner.

“I guess I never considered myself vain… but holy shit… this no mirror business is getting to me… Like I could be a complete hot mess and not even know it,” you later confess to Jackie.

She laughs, “I’m good with no mirror…” and she is…

But you? You’re a ticking time bomb for disaster and hot messes and no one seems to care about the mirror but you. Unfortunately for you… hefting one of the two huge mirrors you brought, up onto the wall is a two person job… and you’re the only half of the pair that really seems to be prioritizing this.

The plumbers had been over yesterday… this entire place is a plumbing disaster: the second bathroom you were counting on… a half bath down in the basement… with the toilet that’s about two pounds of force away from going through the rotting floor… disaster. The double shower with the cheap clear plastic knobs that your husband swears are possessed as they turn on their own, the hot water tank set to: boil human flesh… the turning knobs that just keep cranking up the heat… That problem is temporarily fixed with a rubber band pulled over both knobs… but the clear plastic handles feel as if they will break right off into your hand…

And then there was the other shower head… what a disaster that had been.

Both shower heads had to be turned on initially at the hot water heater in the basement… the creepiest room in the place (though your husband says that nothing here is creepy - even if you and Jackie and the kids are really creeped out by the pitch dark room, with the steps that lead down to the dirt floor, the water heater on the far side… you won’t step foot on those steps).

Except that after both shower heads were turned on… you all slowly began to smell a new smell… it wasn’t quite a musty or moldy smell… it smelled like dirty mud… it seemed to waft up from the vent in the floor of the foyer… the vent that sits right above the ‘not creepy’, creepy room. Roughly 24 hours would pass before David happened to walk by the boiler room… he said it felt really steamy by the door… and when he opened the old boiler room and flipped on the light he was greeted by a 130 degree steaming pool of mud several inches deep, flooding the entire boiler room floor… Apparently the second shower head had been hooked up in a manner that when not being used… the way too hot, hot water came out in a steaming torrent that after a day, had turned the creepy boiler room into satan’s spa.

“Well you’re not going to believe this one…” David says and he tells you all about the hot water filling the old boiler room’s dirt floor with several inches of water and how it’s one more thing to add to the growing list of plumbing issues. The gross hot mud smell wafting up from the vent in the foyer made a lot more sense.

When you initially smelled that smell… you had not wanted to go into the basement to check it out… you joked with Jackie that as long as you don’t see a problem… there can’t be a problem (your motto right now - and a very shitty one at that).

Then there was the other problem of the kitchen sink… the faucet had been torn clean off the sink and when the plumbers initially came out, they told you that they could fix the commercial sink but that the faucet was a special order and would take some time to come in.

Which meant that the only sink in the entire place was in the second story primary bathroom (three stories if you’re counting the basement - and we do) … and that made washing dishes, cooking, cleaning… extremely difficult. David would eventually hook up the 100 foot long garden hose to an old utility sink in a storage room right off the creepy room (this room was also pretty creepy with the exposed stone walls covered in a musty, mildewy film) and drag it to the massive commercial sink in the kitchen… but for now: one sink.

The only toilet in the place constantly ran and wobbled quite a bit, Jackie swore that she was going to accidentally rip the toilet off the floor…

The one outdoor spigot (desperately needed to fill buckets for mopping floors) had been hooked up to the hot water tank… we couldn’t figure that one out… and so the hose dangerously sprayed near boiling hot water and was deemed useless until it could be hooked up to the correct line.

The only water related items in the entire place that seemed to be working correctly, were the two sinks in the primary bathroom.

Your husband joked with the plumbers on their initial visit that if they wanted to take on this mess… that they could probably remodel their entire warehouse with what this was going to cost us… they never told him he was wrong as they walked through the old church… taking inventory of the plumbing disasters.

With the plumbers coming back today, and the dumpster not there until tomorrow, you and Jackie decided to tackle more of the laundry.

Before moving one of your good friends had gifted you an entire wardrobe of beautiful designer clothes that no longer fit her and any day that didn’t include you being elbow deep in some kind of funk, you used to try on new outfits. You couldn’t really see anything you put on too well (on account of there being no mirrors) but you could almost make out a faint reflection if you stood in front of the old leaded glass windows in the sanctuary… the ones that had not yet been installed.

You stood in front of the racks of clothes in your bedroom. No closet space meant four massive clothing racks were now erected in your bedroom… you had to come up with a storage solution that wouldn’t make your room look like a furniture store, but for now, that was the least of your concerns. There was a gorgeous grey brown dress your friend had gifted you. It was very sheer in some spots (a horizontal panel below the knees) and a light gauzy fabric with buttons that ran down the entirety of the dress’s front. You hadn’t been able to wear it a few weeks ago… far too tight… but now it fit well and you put it on, looking down to admire the flowing fabric cascading from your waist.

David was home waiting on the plumbers. You slipped on a pair of heels (so the dress wouldn’t drag on the floor) and you hefted the massive laundry pack over your back while Jackie shouldered hers. Together you and Jackie walked the near mile down to the laundromat, doing your best to avoid Jeremy who still managed to spot you both and fly off his porch to ask you both what you were doing… because the massive laundry packs on your backs weren’t obvious enough.

When you managed to fend off his numerous questions, you made it to the laundromat sweating profusely (it was unusually hot everyone kept telling you) and you set a timer on your phone so that you could walk back to change the clothes over to the dryer.

“Welp… that’s another thirty frickin’ bucks down the drain… the freaking washer and dryer can’t get here soon enough,” you complain. Jackie agrees.

You cross the street to avoid Jeremy. It works and you make it home with no further questions. Jackie heads up to her room to hang out a bit (and to stay out of the way of the plumbers who came in when you were at the laundromat). You busy yourself with some organizing and cleaning.

The plumbers left, but David told you that they’d be back shortly, that he had to run out and to let them back in while he was gone. Jackie told you that she’d move all the laundry over while you waited on the plumbers. So you worked on some stuff in the sanctuary when you heard a quick series of wraps on the door.

The plumbers were back, the young man who had been there a few times already, and another young man whom you had not yet met. Whenever the first plumber had come in before, he had been very reserved… didn’t talk much, or even seem to notice you, talking only with your husband. But now? Now these two men who you let inside were extremely chatty. They laughed loudly at your bad jokes, and followed you closely around the church as you pointed out what priorities needed to be tended to… “Yes, ma’am…” they’d enthusiastically say… “Whatever you need ma’am.”

It was a strange change in demeanor and you assumed it was because you were the only one they could speak to and also that they were very committed to top notch customer service.

The plumbers were still there when it was time to get the laundry. David had not gotten back yet but since there was no way that Jackie could carry everything back on her own, you left the plumbers to finish up and you and Jackie made the trek back to the laundromat, barely dodging Jeremy.

“I can not fucking wait to be done with this…” you complain again, your back screaming, sweating like a hog as you did your best to keep the giant bag of laundry hoisted on your shoulder in the 90 degree heat. Jackie agrees that this laundry routine is less than ideal.

When you get back to the church Jackie immediately takes her laundry up to her room, you drop yours off in the sanctuary then head down to the kitchen to refill your water bottle. The plumbers are both down there, packing everything up, they fixed the shower / water heater issue, the primary bathroom toilet, and a few other loose ends. They’ll be back out when your new hot water heater comes in, and again for moving the commercial sink over a few feet (it was annoyingly close to the refrigerator, so much so that you felt crushed in between the two), for the showers (David was told to remove the tile around the faucets so that they can finish the shower up), and down the road… to install the toilet and sink that you planned on putting into the new bathroom (what would become the only bathroom on the first floor) you were constructing.

Once again the plumbers were especially chatty, “Yes ma’am… Of course ma’am… Anything you need… we’ll take care of it…” You smiled, thoroughly impressed by their customer service skills… and when they were picking up their bags of tools you held the kitchen door open for them and walked out in front, to head up to the church’s main entrance, while they stayed behind to pack up their truck parked right on the sidewalk.

And you were nearly out of earshot when you heard one say to the other…. “HOT.”

“Huh…” you had thought, “maybe you should offer them some water… it is stifling out,” but they were already in their truck, smiling and waving as they pulled away from the sidewalk and drove off.

It would not be until later in the day, after multiple trips to the laundromat, Jeremy repeatedly trying to talk to you both, male neighbors being extra friendly, that you happened upon your reflection in a store front window… “HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.” You said out loud. “Son of a bitch… well that explains a fucking hell of a lot of today… Jesus Christ….”

And you marched home, (barely a shred of dignity intact) to confront David and Jackie.

“Hey ya’ll…” you said to them, they were both in the sanctuary moving some wood around, looking for tools… “Anyone want to talk about this???” You say… pointing to yourself… the pretty dress…

They’re looking at you and they’re both confused.

“THE FUCKING DRESS IS COMPLETELY SEE THROUGH AND NOT ONE OF YOU FUCKING TOLD ME THAT???? NOT ONE OF YOU THOUGHT TO GIVE ME A HEAD’S UP????”

They shrugged their shoulders. Both of them laughing… “Well I thought you knew,” said Jackie.

“I did not fucking know… there’s not a damn mirror in this place… ya’ll are the mirrors and ya’ll failed this one big time… how in the fuck did no one think to tell me???” And you’re incredulous and they’re both laughing…

“Well you have those sheer tops you wear sometimes that are see through… and…”

“And then you dress modestly from the waist down and toss a cute blazer over the top and you’re good to go… and this??? Well this was just… I might as well have just walked down the street in my underwear because it would have been the same damn thing…”

“Well you looked good and I thought you knew,” David chimes in.

“Well the fucking plumbers apparently thought I looked good too… ‘HOT’ were their exact words and now I’m thinking that that had nothing to do with today’s outdoor temps and rather that I was wearing a completely see through dress!”

“The plumbers said something?” David and Jackie are both laughing hysterically now.

“YES!!! They sure the fuck did… and I didn’t even catch it… then frickin Jeremy being extra friendly and all those other men on the walk… holy shit ya’ll, I know I told you I wanted to make an impression on the community… but this…” you point to yourself, quite knowledgeable that you’re practically in nothing but a bra and undies prancing around the town… “THIS WASN’T WHAT I HAD IN MIND!!!”

They’re laughing when you walk away… “Ha, ha… laugh it up ya’ll… un-fucking-believeable,” and you’re laughing too now… completely aware of your just about nude-ness…

“Oh… and we better get the frickin mirror up since ya’ll suck and don’t tell me shit,” and they’re roaring as you walk away… to change into something a little less comfortable… a little less sheer.

Later David jokes with you that the plumbers will most definitely be back… and you both laugh at your fashion faux-pas.

The shower nozzles were fixed… the toilet no longer ran… the plumbers assured you, enthusiastically even, that they would be back soon… and the mirror was hung later that afternoon: now a top priority.

“Well I’m telling you Jackie…” you laugh… looking at yourself in the huge mirror hung above the sinks and the outlets, making it too tall for you to see anything but your body from the shoulders up, “That if I go out of this church dressed like a full on sin (again), that you better fucking tell me.” And she promises that she would.

And that’s how you got the plumbing (mostly) resolved… and a mirror hung… (and an ‘in’ with quite a few enthusiastic neighbors).

The floor has since been refinished (it looks stunning)… but this was the layout we did to show the plumbers our half bath plan…