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31) Snow Snickets and Christmas
We were excited to have the kids home for winter break; not having to get up at 6:00am to be out the door by 7:30 to walk the two miles round trip to school in 20 degree temperatures definitely sweetened the deal. The kids were excited too. They were definitely big fans of “lazy days” which according to them meant staying in one’s pajamas all day and lounging on the couch. “Don’t ya’ll want to go sledding? Or play outside or something…” “Not really.” “Why not?” “Mom…” your mi
30) Batshit Crazy
You might not be able to heft around joists and flooring but… if there was one thing you could do, it was clean. Once the majority of the wood cutting was done in the basement, you were able to get back to cleaning up the space. There was so much to be done. Everything was covered in a fine plaster and or saw dust: the walls, the ceiling, the floor, all the tools, anything and everything that was in that basement was covered in the stuff. Top to bottom. Top to bottom. Your ‘b
29) Adventures in Candy-Land
“Do you need some help?” “At this point Vaness, there really isn’t too much you can help me with. I have to get these joists in and I don’t want you lifting them with your shoulder.” “So how are you going to get them in place by yourself? They’re really heavy!” “I’ll figure it out.” “I feel like I can help you lift them. I know I can’t lift them by myself but…” “No, it’s fine… I can do it.” “Ok… well if you change your mind, I will help you. I’m not going to do anything that
28) We’re Having F*cking Fun! Damnit.
Work in the basement slowed after the demo was done. David focused his attention on a second bathroom, a half bath in the North tower’s ground floor. You had thought that maybe that wasn’t the best plan of action, that if a half bath was going to be built, that he should have instead focused on the existing half bath in the basement. All that one needed was a new toilet and part of a very small floor section replaced. Everything else was good to go, whereas the North tower wa
27) The Basement Funeral
As if on cue, the weather swiftly took a turn from unseasonably warm to record cold stretches. If it had not been apparent when the lift was returned that there would be no more rentals until the spring, there was absolutely no questioning that anymore. Even if not officially yet, winter had made her presence known. You were hopeful that the majority of the gutter leaks had been fixed or at least improved. You’d later learn that only three of the five were working as they sho
26) ‘Big’ Problems and the Oil Drum Conundrum
“Where’s your husband?” “I’m not really sure… why? What’s up?” The plumber was peering over your shoulder as if willing David to appear… before turning his attention back to you… “what a difference a coat makes vs the sheer dress,” you mused to yourself. “Well there’s a problem…” “Fuck. Don’t say that… what’s wrong???” You’re nervous. You have begun to catch on to the fact that any problem here can very quickly become a BIG problem… in fact most problems here were big problem
25) Lift, Laugh, Love
It was late October when David’s workshop was delivered. You had both wondered how they were going to get the 20’ long, 10’ wide structure to the back of the property on account of the “moat” around the foundation. Within an hour though, a young man with a little robot dolly and a remote control had it on level ground exactly where David had wanted it. There was one point as you watched in pure awe, that you were nervous that the back of the workshop might be getting too clos
24) I Dig It
“I’m picking up the tiller tomorrow. We have it for 24 hours.” “I’m sure that will be more than enough time. Maybe we can even use it up front to prepare the flower beds for next year?” David hesitated for a second, “I don’t know Vaness… let’s see how far we get in the back first.” At this point you and Jackie hadn’t yet had the talk… the talk where she had told you that one of your biggest flaws… (you had braced yourself for this) and even joked, “Nothing… I have no flaws be
23) The Grapes of Wrath
“This can’t be for fucking real right now…” you said to yourself. You had seen it in your peripheral vision as you were washing your hands. It was late. You hadn’t been able to fall asleep right away, David on the other hand, had been out for at least an hour. You had gotten up to use the bathroom and when you were washing up, you caught it out of the corner of your eye. The flash of light was right there in the mirror… you would have sworn it before but now, turning around
22) Fences Make Good Neighbors
“Hey… excuse me? Yes, Yeah… Hi…” you call up to the woman parking her car in your yard again. This is the first time that you’ve actually been able to see who the person was. Every other time you’d come out to a car (one of many) that had been parked in your yard… and when you’d walk over to one of the neighboring houses (you were never sure which car belonged to whom in which house) to politely ask them to move, no one would ever answer the doors. It wasn’t that you took iss
21) Smile For The Camera
“Hey… what’s going on?” You were shocked to find a strange man standing in your husband’s office. He had let himself in, walked through the foyer, up the steep steps and was now standing right at the bottom of the staircase on the floor you were mopping. All this in the time it had taken you to dump a pail of dirty water into the sink, replenish it with clean water and head back downstairs. “You opening a church or something?” He asks not answering your question. “Uh… no… we
20) Skaterz, Haterz, and the Holy Floor
You had some difficulty at first. When was the last time you put these on? Were you thirteen? “It’s like riding a bike…” you tell yourself. Except that now you’re in your 40s and a fall is a bit more difficult to recover from these days. You loosen the laces and cram your foot in. They’re your size but they feel much tighter than they should be. No worries, you’re going to make them work. Slowly you bring yourself to a standing position. You have always been surprised by how
19) What Goes Up…
“I’m going to throw up…” you sit down on the ground, head between your legs. You knew this was going to bother you, but you didn’t expect such a visceral reaction. You hand your phone to Jackie… “You’ve got to film this… I can’t… I need to go inside.” She takes your phone and continues where you left off. You head inside to get a drink of water and to calm your nervous system. The 65’ lift had just been delivered and watching David go up into the basket nearly seven stories o
18) Tethered
You welcome the break. It’s been a very, very long time since you’ve had an ‘easy’ day. “You realize,” you ask Jackie, “that we have yet to take a single day off in three weeks? Not a single day!” “Really?” She says, sounding surprised. “Yeah… no… first day off since we got here! Crazy huh?” “Sure is. We’ve been working really hard.” Later that day you and David walk down to a nearby brewery to get a beer for his birthday... the reason for the ‘light day.’ You order the darke
17) Batman and the Alien
“What in the absolute fuck is going on here?!” “Daddy’s hunting bats!” “David… are you kidding me right now?” You just walked into the sanctuary, every light is on, it’s after 9:30pm and the kids are running around excitedly looking up at the soaring ceiling… your husband stalks about with purpose… a rifle in his hands… “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” “What does it look like I’m doing?” He says… “Honestly? It looks like you fucking snapped and you’re getting ready to shoot your entir
16) Basements, Bats and Vitruvian Men
“I didn’t hear anything last night… so… I’m assuming there weren’t any…” “I (stressing the I) did not see any bats… but I don’t know about Jackie or the kids…” said David. You were still in bed rubbing the back of your neck, your shoulder still sore from before the move… you had pulled something picking up a box a week or two before you closed on the house and you hadn’t thought too much of it then, but three weeks in and no better… you were starting to think about it. “What
15) Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall…
“We need a mirror put up,” you say. “Ok,” your husband says… but with everything going on… that task has never made it off the back burner. “I guess I never considered myself vain… but holy shit… this no mirror business is getting to me… Like I could be a complete hot mess and not even know it,” you later confess to Jackie. She laughs, “I’m good with no mirror…” and she is… But you? You’re a ticking time bomb for disaster and hot messes and no one seems to care about the mirr
14) The Clownfish In The Aquarium
“That’s definitely not the original corner stone…” “Yeah… I’m pretty sure it is.” “Nah… they take em out, rip everything in there out…” “I mean it’s intact on all sides and you can’t just slide a new corner stone in…” “They definitely got into this one…” You sigh loudly… “Well it was great meeting you, but I have to get back to work…” And then you head inside leaving the corner stone guy outside. He was standing in your house… church… earlier. Wanted to know if you were start
13) Bats, Bees, Squirrels, Trees…
”Do you remember waking up last night?” Your husband wants to know. You just woke up and the two of you are laying in bed, your eyes still foggy. “Vaguely… I remembered hearing a commotion, but I heard you get up, so I went back to sleep.” “There was a bat inside last night.” “Really?” You ask… “Did you here Jackie screaming?” Your good friend is still here, she has been sleeping in the guest room under the Belfry. “I think I remember that…” “Well she was screaming and runnin
12) “Little” Problems
“You’re not going to believe this but… we’ve got a problem.” You take a deep breath, bracing for this new unknown… you’ve got plenty of problems with the problems you already know about… what could this new issue be? How much is this going to cost… is the real question, you think to yourself. “There’s no hot water.” “Wait… what? No hot water? What’s going on?” “I have no clue but… there’s no hot water. We’re going to have to get a plumber out here in the morning.” You’re a 2x
11) The Resurrection.
The three of you sit quietly in the back of the moving truck. Twenty six feet of empty, just hours ago packed to the max… now soft filtered light fills the aluminum void, a gentle rain pitter patters on the roof, the air is damp and cool, three small plumes of warm blue smoke waft from your joints, each exhale: a small cloud that dissipates quickly. You’re thankful for your husband’s wherewithall… what had seemed like such a superflourus splurge… hiring two strong movers for
10) Sign(s) on Church St
You’re up early that morning. Today is the big day. You had the walkthrough yesterday; and you’ve since solidified the idea that you are simultaneously both out of your fucking mind nuts and so incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. There have been doubts… sure… Like the detached faucet in the kitchen (the one that the plumber tells you the former owner wanted them to just stick on the sink to make it look functional even though it was not and they refused). The heating i
9) Toilet Troubles: I’m Not It.
You sat on the grass with your friend right outside the side door of the little hotel, you take a long drag on your joint and you laugh… “Welp… I definitely owe David an apology… because all these years I told him, ‘just stay at a Red Roof Inn’ and now I see why he never wanted to stay in one…” You’re both in hysterics (now that it’s over) laughing about the horrific motel you stayed in the night prior, so very thankful that this current place (just about a mile from your new
8) Monkeys and Cat Piss and Jesus… Oh my!
The ride out starts off with your eldest son forgetting his favorite cup at school. You do a U-turn a few miles up the road and send him back into the school, your car filled with luggage, plants, stuffed animals, snacks and a big orange cat. You’ve got a 5 hour ride ahead of you and it’s getting late in the day. You hope that this isn’t an indication of how this trip will go… You were a bit nervous about driving up with the kids and the cat and a packed to the max rental car
7) The Last 36 Hours
Your former you owes your current you a big apology. “Meh… we’ll have this house packed up in no time,” former you confidently says. And reality however, determined that was a major blunder on your part. In the last 36 hours you and David have spent 28 of them frantically packing and loading your entire existence into a 118 degree, 26 foot long UHaul. You don’t keep a lot of things, your home is mostly tidy and neat, yet magically on moving day…more and more items appear in
6) The Cardboard City
“That sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of processing… Do you have any idea what that may mean?” Asks your good friend. You had told her about that vivid studio dream. “Yes actually. I had thought about this. I think that my messy, mostly packed studio represents my life here in St Petersburg. It’s coming to an end but I’m not quite ready to leave… I feel like someone else packing me up is me knowing that my time here is ending and not quite being able to sever myself from
5) The Studio
It’s your happy place. Your safe space. It’s cheery. White walls, soaring ceiling… spray foam inbetween the beams, painted white… everything white. There’s the loft space that your kids love. Every time they come in they head right up to the loft, ipads in hand and they climb the little ladder where they disappear in the back behind the white canvas walls. David put some boards behind the fabric so that the kids would never make the mistake and lean backwards. It’s like a lit
4) The Farmer, The Fox, The Feed, And The Hen
A farmer stands on a river bank. He has quite the conundrum: He must get himself, his fox, his hen, and a bag of feed safely to the other side, but he can only take one with him at a time, and the fox can not be left alone with the hen, or the hen left alone with the feed. You were given two pieces of blue yarn and told to place them on your desk vertically and parallel to one another (your river). Then your third grade teacher came around and gave you each four popsicle stic
3) A 4x6 Battle Proven Anxiety Destroyer Wrapped in Cellophane
Just like that. Imagine that shit. A simple fucking list. HA! The nights you spent in a cold sweat. All those times you were rattled out of a dead sleep. The tossing. The turning. The nausea that churned your guts. And the a solution: a single ruled end to the madness, wrapped neatly in cellophane. Order out of the chaos. Stacked neatly, organized, a list of worst cases; but also plausible, reasonable, earth steadying solutions. Ha! You had scanned articles feverishly… “Is it
2) The Switch.
It was as if a switch had been flipped. The certainty I had was gone. Instantaneously. It was not a growing feeling… a piece by piece dismantling, but rather like a game of Jenga… the long buildup before the tower comes crashing down. I was living the crash. Waves of anxiety swept over me in a steady torrent. My chest grew tight. Severe bouts of nausea came and went. At night I didn’’t sleep. Normally I sleep soundly… but now I was waking up 2-3 times a night in a cold sweat,
1) So We Bought An Old Church: A Leap of Faith
You feel your stomach jump. You’re sure you will vomit. This new you, this new you that sold her house and bought a church is a lot less ballsy now… what the hell happened?
Personally: You’d love to know what the hell was wrong with you.
So We Bought An Old Church
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